I was coaching a team member when she posed an interesting question: she seems to attract a lot of hatred to the point where people have formed an organization in opposition to hers. What can you do?
I proposed two courses of action to her. Upon reflection, I later realized that I may have missed one. So here are three pieces of advice.
1. Reflect on why and work on the aspects you can improve.
There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. While I don't counsel self-doubt, we should also take the reaction from others as a pointer to reflect on our own behavior.
When this colleague mentioned to me that since her childhood, people - and even her own parents - have always complained about her aggressiveness, attitude, tone, or even her looks, I couldn't help but chuckle. Join the club.
I, for one, always seem to have had problems with fitting in. Somehow, I always managed to stand out and attract not necessarily the best attention. I have opinions, and I ask lots of questions. I jump the gun and want to be the first one to answer questions. People even complained that I am "overdressed". Lol.
All of this is okay. You can't change who you are, nor should you. You should also not let others' perceptions dictate things such as how you dress.
With that being said, there may be things you CAN and SHOULD change. After spending many years battling "haters" (or who I perceive as "haters"), I came to realize that 1) maybe some of them aren't really haters, and 2) with some small changes, you can transform them from foes into friends.
With a few minor adjustments, we can come across as collaborators rather than dictators and develop true friendships and alliances with many folks we meet along the way.
The first is to change the attitude. "I know better." "I am better." "They are stupid." Maybe true. Maybe not so true. Exchange arrogance with curiosity. Trade the "know-it-all" attitude for a "learn-it-all" one. Learn to listen. Don't interrupt people when they speak (within reason). Genuinely consider what they have to say and be open-minded about the possibility that they may be right. Ask open-ended questions. Learn more about them.
The second is to improve on communication skills, both written and verbal. My husband used to complain that my emails were too cut-and-dry. As a non-native speaker working a fast-paced job, I tend to write two-liners that, when I read them back, even I myself find them irritating or even offensive. Well, ChatGPT can help polish them and write much more amenable sentences that consider the audience's sentiment (try the ChatGPT Gmail plugin). Face-to-face communication can become even more nuanced. I had a boss who didn't like it when I "rolled my eyes". Lol. When we operate with contempt and disrespect, it's difficult for us to hide our body language. So take the audience's emotions into consideration, be respectful, say thank you, listen and communicate with a smile, and mean it.
The last tip here is a bit more problematic. I'll frame it as keeping it low-key, however you define it. This could mean many things, such as not wearing super flashy jewelry or colors or keeping your sarcasm or sense of humor for after-work hours. Not drawing unnecessary attention when not absolutely needed can also help. However, this is a tough one because you don't want to change who you are and lose your personality. But in many cultures, especially the Asian culture, this last one may go a long way.
2. Haters will hate. Let them.
Ultimately, there is only so much we can do. To quote the infamous cliché, I am not here to make friends, I am here to win.” Despite our best intentions and efforts, we have to be at peace with the fact that some people will hate us no matter what. Haters will hate.
Instead of trying to control others' perceptions of us, we are better off letting it be. Stop analyzing, obsessing, and even changing who you are to please others. Chances are it won't work. People may be envious of your good fortune or good looks. People compare themselves to you and hate you because they don't think it's "fair." Or who knows what other crazy reasons they may hate you. Let them.
This approach frees you from trying to manage others' perceptions of you and gives you the freedom to be who you are and live your life. Be at peace with it. Save yourself the trouble of trying to rationalize it. Cut yourself some slack. Or like we say in Chinese, 放过自己 (let it go).
3. If they cross the line, opportunistically and strategically fight back.
After I gave these two pieces of advice to my team member, I thought of a third scenario: what if they cross the line?
First, you have to know where the line is. Is it enough for them to laugh at you and humiliate you in public? Maybe. What if they do things to jeopardize your project or do things behind your back to damage your reputation or other aspects of your life?
Part of the reason I thought of this third scenario was from watching "Yellowstone." While the protagonists try to preserve their land, home, and way of life, their enemies come from all angles to try to take everything from the family, using every tactic they can. At some point, it's only logical that you strike back.
There is a time and place for every course of action. I am not saying that if they insult you, you have to insult them back. But if they burn your house down, you should probably call the police and put them in jail. And if they try to punch you, after dodging it, you should probably punch back.
Again, this last one should be used sparingly, with great self-control and accessed strategically and carefully, but we shouldn't rule it out. If we are just doormats, then we will be stepped on.
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