On my birthday this year, I wrote a small piece reflecting that I had already crossed the midpoint of my life.
Later, when Michelle Yeoh won an award at the "ripe" age of sixty, I couldn't help but sigh in admiration. Her vigor in old age is truly inspiring.
A few short months later, fate brought me back home. On the train, in the midst of the bustling crowd, I had a sudden realization: I am old.
From a statistical perspective, most people you encounter on the street fall between the ages of 20 to 50. At the "ripe" age of 45, statistically speaking, I am older than most.
In reality, my eldest daughter is about to become a legal adult in America, someone who can drink and gamble. Logically, this means I should be considered old as well.
Before this homecoming, I always perceived myself as a "young person". Elderly people, in my mind, were those who walked with heavy steps, wore weird and ugly clothes, held conservative views, and had a short-sighted perspectives.
On the other hand, we own the world. We are fashionable, and ambitious, with fire in our hearts and light in our eyes.
So, when do we transition from the second category to the first?
After turning forty, no amount of low-carb dieting can bring back the weight of our twenties. With age, aches and pains become more frequent, and longstanding myopia makes it hard to read small prints under dim light. Even though I still run regularly and do yoga daily, maintaining decent physical strength and memory, my annual medical checkups consistently reveal slightly elevated blood pressure, with doctors advising less alcohol consumption. At 35, I didn't even know what blood pressure was. Walking on the streets, the music, fashion, and lifestyle of the "young" generation no longer resonate with us. The days when we could sing along to every popular song are long gone.
The last straw was when a young girl seeking directions on the road in Suzhou called me "Auntie". I was wearing a ponytail, a dark blue dress with a Gucci belt, and carrying a Louis Vuitton bucket bag. Do I look like an "auntie"? After her initial address, she took another look and corrected herself to "elder sister".Using sheer willpower, I resisted the impulse to slap her. I shrugged, signaling with American body language that I couldn't help her.
So, my subconscious age anxiety surfaced. Later, when I was addressed similarly, I would jokingly respond, "Please don't call me that, I certainly don’t deserve that title”.
The apprehension is due to a transition. Once I hit fifty, if I've genuinely grown fatter, adopted ugly clothing, and failed to keep up with young thoughts, maybe I would be more at peace with "I am old".
But not yet.
Age discrimination, which is quite blatant among Chinese, can be written into job requirements. A classmate told me that after 35, job-seeking usually means accepting a pay cut. In the United States, although it's not so blunt, ageism exists. We too, when hiring, are reluctant to employ older candidates. We always assume that older individuals will inevitably have decreased learning ability, work slower, and struggle to keep up with the times.
So, how should we, the "middle-aged", deal with this pronounced age anxiety?
First, I think we should look back on the path we've walked and give ourselves some credit.
When we were young, we worked tirelessly for a multitude of sound and unsound goals. We strived for the college entrance examination, staying in Beijing, studying abroad, entering law school, becoming lawyers, getting an MBA, job hunting, promotions, buying houses, obtaining green cards, having and raising children. Each step was a painful struggle. Today, all these seem like fleeting clouds, lightly spoken and effortlessly achieved. Even though we're still working for a living, we have solid money-making skills and a little bit of savings. If we want to, we can continue to struggle; if we don’t want to, we can just lay low in a small town. We've invested our youth, gained knowledge, skills, perspectives, and some savings. So when we see the youthful vitality around us, let's not forget that they also have to go through what we have been through to reach our current status. Not every kid can be as capricious as us, resigning, starting a business, traveling, and wandering the world. We can, because we have paid for everything we have today. Isn't this an achievement to be proud of?
Second, I hope that while we have gained materially, we have also gained some wisdom.
When we were young, we were full of vigor, reckless and defiant. Many times we offended people we shouldn't have because of a single sentence. Many times we forced ourselves into dead ends for no apparent reason. Now that we have everything mentioned above, I hope we can have a bit more of the legendary "relaxed feeling". Forgive ourselves, let go of our worries, doubts, and impulsivity. In recent years, having witnessed the departure of many others and even our own relatives, we have finally come to realize that many of life's gains and losses, victories and defeats are just as they are. Instead of lamenting the passing of youth and the inability to relive the past, why not cherish everything at present? There are hundreds of flowers in spring, the moon in autumn, cool winds in summer, and snow in winter (春有百花秋有月， 夏有凉风冬有雪). Within our capabilities, reading, traveling, playing the piano, and drinking wine, isn't that pleasant?
Thirdly, just like Michelle Yeoh said at the Oscars, "Don't let anyone tell you you have passed your prime."
To be honest, the saying “of heroes emerging from youth" (自古英雄出少年) has always been just a myth; it's "late bloomers (“大器晚成”) that can truly describe the trajectory of most people. If you don't believe it, just look at the average age of U.S. presidents when they take office. I also mentioned in Michelle Yeoh's article that she really honed herself into a Hollywood A-lister from the age of 40 to 60. Even though we have achieved so much, we must still believe that we can strive for more. We still need to keep fit, study, and maintain a positive and progressive state. I'm often told that I look ten years younger than I actually am. Sometimes I joke that the art of maintaining youth is a skill. All jokes aside, our actual physical and mental strength can also be ten years younger than our actual age. From this perspective, age is really just a number. If I look like and perform like I'm in my mid-thirties, why am I not just in my mid-thirties? LOL. We should still strive, start businesses, travel the world, learn new languages and instruments, why not? For the first time in our lives, we don't have to live according to other people's scripts, but can truly do what we want to do as we please. We should feel incredibly excited and satisfied.
Fear, worry, anxiety. These are human emotions. After cultivating ourselves for so many years, can we not move closer to the Buddha from our physical bodies, and let go of all these scattered thoughts? Harbor positive thoughts, live in the present, and use every minute, every action, every smile to build the next chapter of our lives where we can be proud and untroubled.
Old or not old, these are considerations for others. We are past the age of living according to others' opinions. In my heart, I still have the vitality of youth, and I can continue to sail across the vast sea with my sails hoisted high (直挂云帆济沧海).
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