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Do you ever have the feeling of not being able to fit in? Are you the black sheep of your family? Do you often feel like people around you are not like you and don’t understand you? If that’s true, that makes the two of us.
Some folks are fortunate that whichever mainstream profession they choose, such as engineering or law, they manage to fit in and stay in. Not me. I’ve always struggled with being part of a “system.” Many years later, when I look back, I finally start to understand that each of us is wired differently. Maybe I am not meant to be part of a system. Maybe instead of being able to adhere to authority, I am the authority. Maybe instead of following rules, I am meant to create rules. Maybe instead of not being able to “fit in”, it’s just my creativity that’s talking to me. This is obviously a bold statement. It is still just a hypothesis that I am proving. But assume that’s true. What do you do if you are just like me, the creative type? How do you find your path? More importantly, once you find your path, how do you find people that are creative like you, and lead them accordingly? Here are some thoughts.
1. Stop trying to pretend to be who you are not
From an early age, it seemed that I always struggled to fit in. My university is a cradle for diplomats for the Chinese government. Everyone wanted to get a government job, become an ambassador someday (we are a foreign language institution), and be set for life.
Not me. I’ve always found the thought of working at the same place for the rest of my life daunting. I like change. I like going places. I like trying different things and experiencing different cultures. So after college, I decided to come to the U.S., which was unheard of for students at my university. However, I managed to pull it off. Not only that, but after me, there were a bunch of us who all came to the U.S. and managed to develop different careers, such as my friend Holly Chen. To this day, she would tell me that I was the “pioneer” in our little circle. Overstatement. But I appreciate her kind words.
The same thing happened to me after law school. During law school, in the spirit of fitting in and becoming the person that every else wants to become, I got top grades, got into one of the best firms in NYC, and started making a six-figure salary right after law school. But I hated every single minute of it. I couldn’t understand how people could deal with such tedious and mind-boggling boring work. Not for all the money in the world. I also did not appreciate how I was treated—you are just a billable hour machine unless and until you prove you prove you are worthy of becoming a partner. Back in the day, it was still based on a veto system in a very gender, race-specific environment. More on that for a different day. Despite all the big law allure and huge payday in 8-10 years, I couldn’t deal with that for more than a few years.
I’ve always internally struggled with this outcome. I was questioning myself: does this mean that I am not good enough? That I have failed? If I were more resilient, maybe I could pull it off?
Until one day, I finally decided to give up on pretending who I am not. I am not cut out to be a diplomat, a lawyer, or anything that requires adherence to a strict set of rules, regime, and details, to name a few. Once I came to that realization, I was more at peace with myself. So what should you do then? This brings me to my next point.
2. Listen to your heart
Up till business school, I never grasped the notion of happiness as part of my profession. Business school taught me that.
They started off by giving you a survey for your talents and passions. I still remember vividly mine was “entrepreneur, professor, creative director” or something along those lines. This is the first time I realized that I need to choose my profession not based on money, the perception of others, or fame, but rather based on interest, passion, and what you are good at. See more about this in my article about business school journey here.
Business school also taught me that some of us are motivated by many internal things such as freedom and appreciation rather than money and fame. That’s totally true for me. So ever since then, for each position I took on, I always looked out for companies, teams, and bosses who can provide these things. I was not always successful or was able to keep these things along the way, but the moment I found out I no longer had these things, it was an easy decision for me to move on.
Maybe you are or are not the creative type, but one must find what one loves to do to be happy. Maybe for you it is having a well-established job. If so, great. Enjoy and prosper with stability. For the ones of us who don’t fit in the established regime, we need to find our own ways to be happy.
3. Ignore naysayers, including your family
Along the way, there are always naysayers.
When I decided to “abandon” my law career and went back to business school, many friends of mine thought I was crazy. Some are genuinely concerned about me giving away a lucrative and respected career. My mother was one of them. Others point-blank laughed at me, thinking that I was not good enough to be a lawyer, hence I quit. The motives were mixed. The level of sarcasm and contempt in their tones varied. The point was, that my decision was not supported by most of my family and friends and many vocally told me that I should not do what I planned to do.
But so what. My husband always says, "Opinion is like an asshole. Everybody has one." Even if the choice of words is vulgar, the wisdom stays true. We can not base our life and happiness on the opinions and sentiments of others. This is, after all, our lives. Or my life.
Later on, whether it’s working for a new startup, abandoning a corporate career, starting my own business, or trying to raise money, there has never been a shortage of naysayers. Most people don’t get it. Most people think you will fail. Most people question your merit. So what. We carry on regardless.
4. Forget about pleasing other people
A related point is to give up the desire to please others. In many Asian cultures, we are raised to be a “good child”, “good person”, and “good citizen”, so it’s as if our mission in life is to please our family, our boss, our superiors, and get their approval.
Once you have received a few beatings from real life, you’ll realize that one, like the point above, most people don’t agree with you or don’t want you to succeed, and two, and more importantly, whether they are pleased with your actions or choices is irrelevant. Let them be. Let them laugh at your ideas, say that you are crazy, and turn their backs on you. Your mission in life is to find believers, not to try to please all the nonbelievers.
Once you get over this hurdle, life all of a sudden becomes much less burdensome. I used to be concerned about how people responded to my request, talk about me behind my back, or even how they look at me with a hint of contempt. Not anymore. I am too busy being the best version of myself rather than thinking about making all of them like me.
5. Befriend, stay with, and hire smart and creative people
The flip slide of the point above is to stay close to the believers and surround yourself with like-minded people.
We always talk about looking for sponsors. Who are they? They are the ones who believe in you, respect your dreams, and do what they can to help you realize them. Hold on to such people in life like treasure. They are hard to come by, as you can see from the points above. However, they do exist, and when you find them, don’t let them go.
Our true believers and sponsors don’t see us as who we are but see the potential in us. They see our vision and believe in our dreams. They will never laugh at our crazy ideas. They nurture them and encourage them. They don’t say, “you can’t”, they ask, “show me how?”
Once we are on our path to our dreams, we should recruit, nurture and encourage similar-minded people. They are just like us not so long ago. They may be a bit edgy, wild, or seemingly crazy. But we need to see the potential and creativity through this surface, listen to their ideas and encourage them to try.
We should not be stubborn and pretend that we know better. We should keep an open mind, examine their ideas, encourage the sparks and guide them where necessary. We should not dictate, we should debate. We should not rely on our “authority”, but rather encourage them to talk, let their creativity flow and arrive at a novel solution or new approach, as opposed to being “stuck in our ways”.
6. Don’t do what they did to you. Instead of telling them what to do, let them be their best self
Nothing kills creativity faster than the so-called authority, the mentality of “I know better than you do” and lines like “do what I say”. For the ones of us who lived through all of this all our lives and are finally finding our path, don’t do this to the creative ones that we have now recruited.
To inspire and sustain creativity, we need to encourage the team to speak their mind, even though their ideas may seem a bit crazy. We never laugh at their new ideas, but ask questions and encourage a discussion. We remain curious about what we don't know and what's possible.
For a highly creative and intelligent team, you can’t tell them what to do. We need to encourage them to let their creativity flow, do what they are best at, and become their best self.
Let me end this piece to quote Steve Jobs. Among his many quotes, here is my favorite: "Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes ... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. ... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. ... They push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do."
“Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?”
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